Last night I read a blog post that really hit home. A friend of mine shared the link to it on Facebook and curiosity got the best of me. As I was reading it I felt as if I related to it more so than not and in a way it upset me but also uplifted me that I certainly wasn't the only one who deals with this sort of thing.
Here is the blog post I am referring to:
I couldn't have read it on a better day.
Right now we are on week four of my husband's six week visitation with his three kids, I call them my steppies.
There are times when the day goes off without a hitch and my husband comes home to dinner almost done, the kids playing together nicely, a smiling baby and most importantly a happy me. Then... there are those days when he walks through the door and I unload on him. Yesterday, he didn't even make it home. I blew his phone up mid-afternoon with a few long text messages. I had a moment of weakness. The baby wouldn't go down for a nap partially due to the fact that I think I wanted it to happen more than anything, irony loves to get the best of me, but more so due to the fact that the moment I would catch her dosing one of my three steppies just had to walk in the room with some sort of question or complaint. They aren't exactly accustomed to being quiet, I don't know how things work at their Mom's house but this is Dad's house and we have our own rules that need followed. So, I lost my shit and started texting. It's not like they aren't aware of our rules. They know better.
I have to give my hubs credit. He kept his cool and asked how he could help. I didn't have much of an answer. He has tried to get them to behave for me but they still fight, tattle, disregard my need for them to tone down the volume. I was at a loss. I didn't have a solution.
After thinking about it, reading the blog post mentioned above and getting past my rough afternoon, it all seemed to me like an overreaction. I will admit that. Then the blog post touched on not being everything I should be for my husband. That's what really got to me. I recall part of my texts to him saying "I mean it's 2:30 in the afternoon ... I'm still in the clothes I woke up in and I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. ... I'm on the brink of tears at least 2 times a day." The part that gets me is that more often than not my husband comes home to me in a t-shirt and sweats with my hair thrown up in a messy bun, no makeup and coffee breath. He still loves me but I want to be the person for him that he first met. I sure weighed a lot less, I sure put more time and effort into myself and I know damn well I was a lot more pleasant to be around. Hell, if I miss me, then I'm sure he does too.
Not that I can't spare the 20 minutes it would take to clean myself up, it's the fact that I see no reason to. I mean why waste 20 minutes on myself when I have no intention to leave the house or I will end up changing because the baby spit up on me, I spilled my coffee on myself, I got a little messy while cooking, got stinky and smelly while cleaning or all of the above. I wish I could see it differently, but I don't.
Having a daughter makes me want to be a better person. I don't want her growing up with a frumpy mom because I don't want to set that example. I don't want her thinking it's acceptable to leave the house in sweats unless of course she is going to the gym or something, which if you look at me clearly I don't do that.
I'd love to be the mom that can cook, clean, do fun things with her kids all while looking flawless. How the hell do I do that!? Please, enlighten me.
I want to be the wife and mom my husband can be proud of, brag about and someone he most importantly looks forward to coming home to.
In two short weeks my Steppies will head back to their Mom's and we will resume the normal visitation schedule, school will be in full swing for my 4th grader, as he will start this coming Monday, and I will be left with a quiet house and my darling 10 month old. My anxiety will decrease, my stress will reduce and I will be back to someone who could juggle a lot more because I will be dealing with a lot less.
I don't feel alone in this struggle. I don't feel like I'm the only one failing at being supermom.
I hope anyone who reads this can take comfort in knowing they aren't alone either.
It's okay to let go sometimes. I've found when it's all said and done, your husband still loves you and so will your kids. If you don't get past pj's and coffee one day, don't sweat it. Tomorrow is another day and you can try again! :)
-N
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